BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
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[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
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If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.