Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
finally found a reasonable question
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I’m just playing devils avocado here
couldn’t resist
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people