I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
You Might Also Like
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
when u come home smelling like another dog
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Teach your children to beatbox
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.