I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
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Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
What my back needs
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
starting a garage orchestra
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.