I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
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Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!