i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
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Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Science memes
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
same vibe as tangled headphones
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume