PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
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Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times