*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
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Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Hot Hot Hot
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Check your privilege
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it