In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
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I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
😅😅😅
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
i think both sides are to blame here
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog