If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
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I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?