[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
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neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
I have obtained a hat
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”