“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
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Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Home is where your toilet is.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay