Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
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My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Good morning!
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
This is enough internet for the day.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.