flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
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Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”