“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
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ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Any refunds available?…
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away