As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
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Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
“our sushi is very fresh”
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
how was your vacation
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.