My friend is an excellent librarian.
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The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
i think both sides are to blame here
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt