I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
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I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
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Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird