Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
You Might Also Like
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Always…
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I’m awake but I object,
Hot Hot Hot
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods