[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
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I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.