What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
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Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
no such thing as a dumb question
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside