I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
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john wicks are toilet candles
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
fired
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks