I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
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I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
? 💀
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.