I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
You Might Also Like
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Many hands make light work
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
And bowling should be called pinball
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now