There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
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“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
If you know, you know
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.