By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
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First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I’m having an out of money experience.