I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
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Sniffing the broccoli
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.