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Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”