if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
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Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’