Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
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Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.