Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
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Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
😏😏😏
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.