So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
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finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.