When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
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if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Ugh
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It