It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
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[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad