[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
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HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Best mom ever 😂
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.