[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
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Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.