Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
You Might Also Like
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Botany good plants lately?
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.