I’d rather go liquor treating.
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I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.