[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
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You have been warned.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
That’s fair
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years