Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
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Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
tell em, edith-anne
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Cheer up.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.