ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
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I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?