“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
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Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat