Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
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Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.