Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
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I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo