The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
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Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.