Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
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took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Weighing up my bread heating options
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Mistakes were made
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.