Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
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My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes