Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
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Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby