Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
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Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
They’re not wrong
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Dear Lord..
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel