*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
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Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
*frowns in Scottish*
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
This meal prepping shit easy
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Rooting for the overdog
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*